Heartbroken

It has taken me a few days to decide if I was going to even blog about this. I have decided to sit down at the computer and let the words flow...and then I will decide if I should delete it. On Sept. 21, my last post, I discussed our time of waiting and anxiousness for God's Perfect Timing. The very next day, on Sept. 22, we received a phone call that still has me in a state of shock.
Let me back up to earlier that evening... Charlie had a soccer clinic with the Lady Aggie soccer team on campus from 6:30-7:30. I sat in the bleachers and Ryan walked down on the field as they ran around and practiced drills with the kids. I watched and took pictures and then sat down and started glancing through Facebook on my phone. A status post from our agency quickly made my stomach drop. It said '2 babies will be finding their adoptive families this week!...' My mind started racing, wondering if these babies had already been matched with adoptive families? I couldn't shake the nervous feeling. When we got into the truck after the soccer clinic, I showed Ryan the post and he said....calm down Ashley, I am sure they have already been matched. Once we got home we bathed Charlie and got him to bed. But my mind never stopped thinking about the post I had read earlier. A few minutes later around 9 o clock, Ryan's phone rang. He stood in the kitchen and I heard the words..."Hello Don.." nervously come out of his mouth. Don is our social worker, my body went numb. Ryan told him that we would walk outside and put him on speaker phone. Tears were streaming down my face,Ryan grabbed my hand and we both knew what a phone call after 9 o'clock on a Thursday evening meant...a dream come true?
Don explained that a baby boy was born 2 days earlier, and that he was calling because he thought we might be a match. I can not even describe the feelings that were going through my body. He started to explain details about his birth, birthmom, and birthfather. The situation was certainly not ideal, but with our emotions running high, we agreed to come meet him at the agency. We quickly called my mother-n-law over to stay with Charlie, and we raced up to the agency to possibly meet our son. The car ride was silent, except for my quiet sobs, and we held each others hand as tight as we could. Luckily it is only about a 5 minute drive. When we arrived at the agency we were greeted by our social worker, and the two case managers that work with the birthmothers. We were also greeted by the most precious, sweet, beautiful baby boy. Ryan and I both melted when we saw him, we held him, kissed him, loved on him for a little over an hour while we listened to the scary circumstances he was born into. In our state of shock we asked questions, and voiced concerns, but it seemed like an impossible decision not to adopt this sweet angel. I can not go into the details we learned that night. We have shared some with our family, but even some details only Ryan and I know. We were sent home that evening, at almost 11 o clock to make the hardest decision of our life...by morning. Ryan and I are receptive to a lot of difficult circumstances, we are not going through this adoption process searching for the perfect child, we are seeking the perfect child that is God's will for our family. We know that some of these children do not choose the circumstances they are born into, and just like when women get pregnant they can not choose the health or features of their baby. Our concerns had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that this sweet, innocent baby tested positive for drugs at birth, it had nothing to do with the fact that his mother received no prenatal care. We left the agency with a lot more information that concerned us that night. Information that might put our family's safety in jeopardy. Information that made our decision feel so impossible.
We prayed, and talked, and cried, and prayed, and talked, and cried. I wanted more than anything to be able to go straight to Walmart and stock up on all of our necessities to bring our sweet, precious son home the next day. My mind kept picturing how precious my two boys would be together, and how much Charlie was going to love him. But I knew deep down in my heart, that this wasn't right. It all came down to protecting Charlie, and that sweet boy, and Ryan and I just did not feel like we could risk it. I would never be able to forgive myself if something happened to either of our babies just because I wanted him. We prayed for God's will, and Ryan and I both knew this was not it.
I was completely HEARTBROKEN. No other words described the way I was feeling. I would have never in a million years thought we would be turning down a placement. How was this happening? I fell in love with that sweet boy, I held him, kissed him, hugged him....his circumstances were not his fault, he deserved a good home...but I knew it was not God's plan for our family. But I wanted it to be! I wanted to try and forget every detail that our social worker shared with us, I wanted to bring our baby boy home. I sat outside most of the night, long after Ryan went to bed and just cried and grieved for my baby that I didn't even know. Before I knew it, the sun was coming up and I was unable to sleep a wink. The time had come to make the most difficult phone call of our life. Ryan and I both called Don on speaker and explained our hearts and our fears and told him that we would not be going through with this placement. I was HEARTBROKEN. My heart ached for me and for Ryan but most of all for that precious baby boy. How could this be happening? I spent all day Friday in a fog. I have had countless failed fertility procedures and even a miscarriage and nothing has come close to the pain I was feeling.
Saturday morning Don called again to check on me, and to tell me that the baby had found a home with adoptive parents who were thrilled to have him. I was relieved and crushed all at the same time. He assured me that we must follow our instincts and that we were making the right decision for our family. But he knows that following God's will, isn't always easy. It was comforting to know that the sweet, precious innocent baby boy had found such a wonderful home. I had prayed that our no, meant somebody elses yes...and somebody elses dreams had come true. I know that he is in the perfect place that he needs to be. But it doesn't make it any easier on my heart.
I know this was a piece of our journey, it was a learning experience, and our first real glimpse into the heartbreak that sometimes comes along with adoption. Although it feels agonizing, I still feel very blessed to be on this journey, and I know that God will make it clear when His perfect timing prevails.
I will close with the same verse I closed with on my last post...
"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

HIS Perfect timing

We are now 21 days into our wait....really, only 21 days? Feels SO much longer! I have been struggling a lot lately with our time of waiting. This season of life feels so much different to me compared to all of the other legs of our journey. I was warned this would happen, I was warned that after your home study is completed and life book turned in...that the wait to be matched is the most challenging part. (With the exception of the wait after your child is born and the birthparents sign the termination papers.) While undergoing infertility treatments there is always a short countdown to the next step whether it is going into the office for daily ultrasounds, taking oral meds on certain days, having bloodwork drawn on certain days, giving injections on certain days, taking your temperature, counting ovulation days, recording symptoms, and the list goes on. Generally the last two weeks of each cycle was our longest wait to find out if the treatment was successful, and then the pregnancy tests begin...I had a very unhealthy obsession with pregnancy tests! Lets just say we could have probably paid for our entire adoption with the amount of money I have wasted on pregnancy tests alone! (Don't tell Ryan that!) But with each unsuccessful month, began the cycle of counting and treatments all over again. Then some months my cysts surrounding my ovaries would warrant a break from treatments....those months took forever! With adoption the process has been completely different. The first few months were filled with prayer, adrenaline and excitement as we raced to fill out all of the TONS of forms, questions, meetings, seminar, interviews, safety inspection, fingerprinting, background checks, questions, and more questions, and then the incredibly tedious task of creating the perfect life book of our family, letter to our future birthmother and 21 days ago....we were DONE. Now what? I am longing for our next step.
Our next step is to "Be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10 It is to remain faithful and trusting and "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed" Proverbs 16:3. It is amazing to watch God at work in my heart during this time of waiting. I truly feel I was called to adoption, I know in my heart that our journey through infertility has made that calling louder and opened doors for us to grow our family the way God has called us to. I feel so blessed to be on this journey. But I have struggled in the area of giving over all control to Him. I have struggled knowing that there is nothing tangible left for me to work on. He has already hand picked the child that will join our family. He knows our perfect plan. I know that I "Trust in the Lord with all of your (my) heart and lean not on your (my) own understanding; in all your (my) ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5,6 The unknown is scary, but God's love has the power to redeem and restore us into confident hope. His Truth cuts to the core of our struggles, bringing purpose to our pain, redemption from our past and hope for our future!
I pray day and night for our sweet birthmother, I pray for her struggle, I pray for her strength and I pray for God to lead us to her. (Soon!) We have cautiously began to prepare for our baby's arrival. In the corner of our bedroom, I stare at the sweet cradle that has been passed through our family and rocked many sweet babies to sleep. Sometimes it brings me hope and in moments of weakness it makes me feel hopeless.


I thank God each day for Charlie, and I do not take a second for granted. He is our miracle and he brings so much joy and laughter to our lives. Our days are filled with picnics at the park, coloring, shaving cream fun, legos, story time at the library, riding bikes with friends, and soccer. He will be such a great big brother and he ends his prayers each night with "God please bring me a sister soon!" I gently remind him that God will decide, and we might get a sister or a brother....but I dont know if you have ever tried to explain something to a four year old...he thinks he knows it all! Regardless, we will all be so thrilled with our new addition.
This post was written more for me than for anyone, blogging can be therapeutic! I had a moment of weakness tonight (it happens...more frequently than I would like to admit!). All of the sudden this evening, my phone went dead. Not just ran out of battery dead...it would not turn on, even when I plugged it into my charger...DEAD. I panicked! Silly, I know. Ryan told me just to go to the Apple store in the morning (he is the more stable, practical, rock of the family!). I said...but... what if someone tries to contact us??? He looked at me with those eyes, the eyes that say...I love you, but you are crazy-eyes. I continued in my ridiculousness....what if our birthmom tries to contact us? What if she goes into labor? What if we need to get to the hospital? He then gave me the 'you are nuts-eyes' and we both started laughing. He said that he doubted that would happen, and reminded me that we havent even been matched yet! I know...I know...but still. This adoption process is a roller coaster- filled with uncertainty of when, where, how long we will have to prepare. I took a deep breath, and gathered my sanity, and in the meantime was able to fix my phone!
I reminded myself that it's a good thing God is in control. He knows our perfect plan and our baby will come with HIS perfect timing.
"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18